The Docteur at Chu St Pierre made me a Word for my work to say I was needet to be next Alain in the Ambulance from one Hospital to the other. and so we went….together with a special contunuing care nurse.We arrived at the Palliativestation of the Moliere Hospital in about 20 Minutes and passed by our street that Alain shouldn’t see again 😦 I knew there a few possibliities to this pallaitive care at home but honestly that seemed not really as an option.
We arrived at Moliere, I stayed a while with Alain and went home. There they called me from Moliere to tell me taht my husband had asked me to come back. They finally told him the truth and he wanted to give me some instructions that were important for him. I had allready asked him why he didn’t want to change the hospital and if he wanted to come die at home but he kind of didn’t realize it then. he had still asked to the docteur over there when they would contunue the chemiotherapie 😦
However, it didn’t work and they didn’t try anything else as Alain was to ill and weak I guess. There were too many methastases allready.
So he spent not even a month there, having me and Saskia with him, and many visits.His collegues passed by every week, brothers and sissters and friends. even Jörg and Olaf and my Mum came from Germany. (first Jörg from Frankfurt , a very good friend of Alain and the both of us and then Olaf my best friend, who took my mum in the car. They brought cd’s and a few books.First Alain enjoyed the visits, listend to cd’s and read books. In the evening he watched tv (something he had never donce usally only since he spent three in the clinic in the end of 2013 he started with that.)he was stable the docteur said and asked even for more deteiled iinformations about his health…..I got some HOPE.
But after the visit of my mum and Olaf (a weekend) they called me while I worked, telling me it was goonna be the end, Alain wouldn’t reakt much anymore. So I called my office, told them I would stay oen hour and then leave to be next to Alain.(its not just officework I do, I do help people at home so I coouldn’t just leave normally) so I went tehre and that day Saskia and me slept next to Alain in the clinic. next day I brought our daughter to school (and then she was sleeping at her freind home and me at Alains room.Wednesday came by, Saskia came in the afternoon as they do not have school and a friend had asked me if she should bring her the wednesdays.Alain had slept all day and in the morning he had to get twice Oxygene, I really had the feeling it was gonna be that day he would pass away. however I had to bring Saskia again to her friends house….and had jsut a cup of tea before rushing back to the hospital….To my surprise Alain was awake when I came back. Very strange. He was gonna watch some story at teh tv station, but I asked tot to watch the second as it would b“tto late.The nurse found Alain to be with fear so she called the doctor an gave him a little dosis of morfhine.We went to sleep but as I touched Alain he was sweating badly and I asked to the nurse what to do, she found it was a good Idea to refresh his arms and body a bit with some fresh warm water and she did again say that he was gonna die. (I think she knew it had started allready) Then after having dome that I was so full of fear that I left the light in the bathromm, so I could see something in the dark room.
About 20 minutes later I couldn’t hear Alain breathing and I went to look at him and realized he had jsut died, not in my arms but at least I was there. (I was glad about that because he could have pass away while I bring Saskia to her friend or while I sleep and the the nurse would have woken me up and tell me 😦
I asked them to keep Alain in the Room, so saskia good see her Papa and say an ultime adieu, if she felt it was ok for her. I hoped it would be. The same evening the Mum of Saskias Friend came by to support me a bit, and in the middle of the night Alains brother and sister came by, as the next day there would have been strike in the city.
Next Morning Saskia arrived and Icried all my tears out and told her and she came with me seeing her Dady twice (once with me and once with me and the mum of her friend.
Later in that morning our Nepiew arrived by surprise and so lucly I wasn’t all alone, and he came with me organizing the funerail, and espcially drove me with his car to a Laique Lady who was goonna read the speech.
After he invited me with his Girlfriend having sandwiches in his place (i hadn’t eaten all day) and drove me home.My mum came the next Monday as the train weren’t riding becasue of a strike.
It so fucking hurts…………………………………………………………….
I write this only in June, about seven month later.