so wahr

u kannst Tränen vergießen,
weil er gegangen ist
oder Du kannst lächeln, weil er gelebt hat.
Du kannst Deine Augen
Schließen und beten,
dass er wiederkehrt,
oder Du kannst die Augen
öffnen und all das sehen,
was er hinterlassen hat.
Dein Herz kann leer sein,
weil Du ihn nicht mehr sehen kannst,
oder Du kannst voll der Liebe sein,
die ihr geteilt habt.
Du kannst Dich am Morgen abwenden
Und im Gestern leben,
oder Du kannst morgen glücklich sein
wegen des Gestern.
Du kannst dich an Ihn erinnern,
nur daran,
dass er gegangen ist,
oder du kannst sein Andenken bewahren
und es weiterleben lassen.
Du kannst weinen und
Dich verschließen
Leer sein und Dich abwenden,
oder Du kannst tun,
was er gewollt hätte:
Wieder lächeln lernen,
Deine Augen wieder öffnen,
lieben und leben.

Die letzte Zeit mit meinem Alain

man nicht sagen, wie lange die Begleitung dauert, selbst die palliativeärztin konnte das nicht bei meinem Alain (mein Mann) Er ist auf die Palliativestation gekommen.Unsere Tochter war neun einhalp und spricht leider nicht so über ihre gefühle wie Ihr das tut über eure Papa’s. die meisten feunde sind noch ein paar mal vorbeigekommen und unsere freund aus frankfurt kam ein Wochenende udn mein bester Freund und hat meine Mutter mitgebracht. Nachdem die beiden weg waren ging es allerdings schnell, da die mich den Monntag anriefen (ich war auf der Arbeit, unterwegs einkaufen für eine alte Dame und die riefen an émoticône frown Ich hab dann beim arbeitgeber Bescheid gesagt, grade noch meinen Vormittagsdienst zuende gemacht und bn zu Alain. Zwischendurch musste ich aber usnere Tochter von der Grundschule abholen. Dann haben wir beide dort geschlafen udn am nächsen Morgen brachte ich sie zur schule und den Dienstag schlief sie bei ihrer Freundin. Mitwoch Nachmittag brachte eine Freundin sie vorbei und abends brachte ich sie wieder zur Freundin.Als ich zurückkam,w ar men mann plötzlich wach (er hatte den ganzen Tag geschlafen) und wollte einen amerikanischen Krimi sehen. Nachdem wir das licht und den fehrnseher ausmachten bemerkte ich das er ganz verschwitzt war und erfrischte ihn mit einem feuchten lappen. Die Schester sagte noch, das e rim sterben liegt, udn ich machte extra Licht im bad an, damit es nicht so dunkel war. 20 minuten später hörte ich kein atmen mehr.ich ging zu seinem bett und mir war so, als wenn er noch einen letzten Luftzug holte aber vielleicht habe ich mir das auch eingebildet. Dann war ich froh, das ich ihn gefunden habe, bei ihm war und nicht von der Nachtschwester geweckt wurde , um mir zu sagen , das mein mann gestorben ist; die Mutter von Saskias Freundin kam so eine halbe stunde fvorbei, damit ich nciht allein war und versprach, Saskia am nâchsten Mirgen vorbei zu bringen.In der nAcht kamen noch der (Halb) Bruder und die (Halb) schwester von meinem Mann vorbei udn nachdem Saskia auch gleich mit mir mitgegangen sit um sich ein letztes Mal von ihrem papa zu verabschieden, kam auch usner Neffe und begleitette mich bei einigen „Gängen“ da war ich froh, das ich nicht alleine hin musste. Meine Mutter kam dann den drauffolgenenden Monntag aus Deutschland. Das hat mir (uns) geholfen.Orchidee

Palliative care in Brussels

The Docteur at Chu St Pierre made me a Word for my work to say I was needet to be next Alain in the Ambulance from one Hospital to the other. and so we went….together with a special contunuing care nurse.We arrived at the Palliativestation of the Moliere Hospital in about 20 Minutes and passed  by our street that Alain shouldn’t see again 😦 I knew there a few possibliities to this pallaitive care at home but honestly that seemed not really as an option.

We arrived at Moliere, I stayed a while with Alain and went home. There they called me from Moliere to tell me taht my husband had asked me to come back. They finally told him the truth and he wanted to give me some instructions that were important for him. I had allready asked him why he didn’t want to change the hospital and if he wanted to come die at home but he kind of didn’t realize it then. he had still asked to the docteur over there when they would contunue the chemiotherapie 😦

However, it didn’t work and they didn’t try anything else as Alain was to ill and weak I guess. There were too many methastases allready.

So he spent not even a month there, having me and Saskia with him, and many visits.His collegues passed by every week, brothers and sissters and friends. even Jörg and Olaf  and my Mum came from Germany. (first Jörg from Frankfurt , a very good friend of Alain and the both of us and then Olaf my best friend, who took my mum in the car. They brought cd’s and a few books.First Alain enjoyed the visits, listend to cd’s and read books. In the evening he watched tv (something he had never donce usally only since he spent three in the clinic in the end  of 2013 he started with that.)he was stable the docteur said and asked even for more deteiled iinformations about his health…..I got some HOPE.

But after the visit of my mum and Olaf (a weekend) they called me while I worked, telling me it was goonna be the end, Alain wouldn’t reakt much anymore. So I called my office, told them I would stay oen hour and then leave to be next to Alain.(its not just officework I do, I do help people at home so I coouldn’t just leave normally) so I went tehre and that day Saskia and me slept next to Alain in the clinic. next day I brought our daughter to school (and then she was sleeping at her freind home and me at Alains room.Wednesday came by, Saskia came in the afternoon as they do not have school and a friend had asked me if she should bring her the wednesdays.Alain had slept all day and in the morning he had to get twice Oxygene, I really had the feeling it was gonna be that day he would pass away. however I had to bring Saskia again to her friends house….and had jsut a cup of tea before rushing back to the hospital….To my surprise Alain was awake when I came back. Very strange. He was gonna watch some story at teh tv station, but I asked tot to watch the second as it would b“tto late.The nurse found Alain to be with fear so she called the doctor an gave him a little dosis of morfhine.We went to sleep but as I touched Alain he was sweating badly and I asked to the nurse what to do, she found it was a good Idea to refresh his arms and body a bit with  some fresh warm water and she did again say that he was gonna die. (I think she knew it had started allready) Then after having dome that I was so full of fear that I left the light in the bathromm, so I could see something in the dark room.

About 20 minutes later I couldn’t hear Alain breathing and I went to look at him and realized he had jsut died, not in my arms but at least I was there. (I was glad about that because he could have pass away while I bring Saskia to her friend or while I sleep and the the nurse would have woken me up and tell me 😦

I asked them to keep Alain in the Room, so saskia good see her Papa and say an ultime adieu, if she felt it was ok for her. I hoped it would be. The same evening the Mum of Saskias Friend came by to support me a bit, and in the middle of the night Alains brother and sister came by, as the next day there would have been strike in the city.

Next Morning Saskia arrived and Icried all my tears out and told her and she came with me seeing her Dady twice (once with me and once with me and the mum of her friend.

Later in that morning our Nepiew arrived by surprise and so lucly I wasn’t all alone, and he came with me organizing the funerail, and espcially drove me with his car to a Laique Lady who was goonna read the speech.

After he invited me with his Girlfriend having sandwiches in his place (i hadn’t eaten all day) and drove me home.My mum came the next Monday as the train weren’t riding becasue of a strike.

It so fucking hurts…………………………………………………………….

I write this only in June, about seven month later.

sad time

It is a very longue time that I didn’t write anything here but I have to think to it and be in the mood.

Anyway so many sad things have happend 😦

Since October 2013 Alain has been diagnosticed with Osephaguscancer and spent the last three months of 2013 in Hospital.Normally it wouldn’t have been that long, but he got an infection with caused many trouble and his life in the end 😦 At least it gives me the feeling that without the complications it wouldn’t have been as fast.

While having the infection he had a „ficure“(lack?) and got two embolias (embolie pneumunaire) and had to be rushed to the intesive care unit. Once they didn’t even call me and when I came in his regular room he wasn’t there…..and not only for exams…..I feared several times for his life in that period.

Then he could come home the 29th of december 2013. I had tears in my eyes when I saw him back on his fauteul (Sessel) (armchair?- taking headphones and listending to a favourite cd….He was feeling like an angel then (il était aux anges) Unfortunatly I don’t remember which cd he has choosen then. he did even write some poetry (the first the 30 december 13.Alain was very weak back then and couldn’t eat anything but soft stuff like soups and puddings (and cracottes) and that in Portions for Mouses several times a day ebcause otherwise he would have been very hungy. Sadly I didn’t know that even thought I had a one year contract with my work I would have taken time off to help Alain with the convalecence…..(stay home full time or reduice hours.So my mum spent a week or two with us and  could help in the first time and then Alain could heat soup in microoven and i came hom at five.   In February he went back to work and felt much better and happy to be back at the Libary. In June 14 he stoped to work as he had become weaker and weaker as the cancer came back  after the oktober surgery. Meanwhile he had lost so much weight through the infection,embolia, and the kind of food he could eat and not eat….it was about half of his realy weight 😦  So he started a chemiotherapie (which he could even contunue at home, he had to go only oen day to the clinic and come hom in the afternoon.) Once he came back on tram alone and I waited for him half the way from the Tramwaystation and he fall on the floor….I could see it but not help as I was at the other side of the street and lights were red. A Man (and I think a second person) helped Alain geting up and Ihelped him going home. I never got help from a collegue of mine to come while I was working and all we got were a Cleaing help for three times (for free) from the health insurrances even thought I wasn’t ill but as Alain had been in Hospital. Then he went back to the clinic to get feed as he were loosing and loosing weight and never came back home….I think it was baout september 2014. First he walked from the bed to the WC and the bathrom(with a baxter it isne’t that easy) and were in a room he ahd to share with one person. Later they have put him in a room only for him as he needet calm and were realizing that the chemeotherapie didn’t help. They decidet to make him move to another clinic for pallaitive care